rainy march day

its been grey and rainy for two days now. grey. rain. my brain is foggy too. perhaps its the terrible sleep this week. we started on monday with a lovely yet completely overindulgant meal which led to poor sleep and somehow, a pulled neck/shoulder thing...bad sleep on a monday is never a good way to start the week. the babies are whining at the nanny upstairs. ayla is teething.....or something. i always say its teething but who knows, right? its the perfect whiney baby excuse.
and so.
i have been thinking. all the above realities are life. my life.
its crazy sometimes to stop and think that at 33 i am living the life i dreamt of as a little girl. babies and a husband. meaningful work. friends and family. a lovely home. all these things. stranger still to think that i am the person i was becoming then. stop to think about that a minute. you are the person you were becoming. the person that that little blonde haired girl was becoming. you are her now! i am her future!
ok, maybe i am too tired to write this out properly. but its just gotten me thinking, pondering, life direction and etc. that somehow the day feels filled with more meaning. i am living out that little girls future!
i used to trick myself into falling asleep by dreaming about my future house, my babies. what my thrilling life would be like. how i would decorate, drink tea, be spectacular.
and now. i am her. i am that woman. i have a duty almost to be spectacular for her. that little dreamy girl. to hold my own blonde girl. to laugh at my little superhero dashing around in his green frog rainboots. and loving every freaking minute of it. embrace it. live it. be spectacular.